Oberlin College Feminists Discuss Feminism

Oberlin, OH


      In a recent meeting members of the Oberlin College Feminists gathered in a room to discuss Feminism.

Combination of CDS Food and One-Ply Toilet Paper Continues to Ravage Student Sphincters

Oberlin, OH

       Suffering on behalf of the environment comes naturally to many Oberlin students. Lately, however, some say the suffering has become unbearable. Students have protested the College's decision to stock campus bathrooms with one-ply toilet paper in a smattering of recent on-campus protests. Signs with phrases such as "Not a Jock but I still Got 'Roid Rage," "I EAT IT, I USE IT, I BLEED IT," and "RAW FOOD NOT RAW ASSHOLES" have been making the rounds on the protest circuit.
    
        The problem has become so extensive that students have attempted to draw the administration's attention to the issue with a new Tumblr account titled "ObieRoids," a forum for students to upload photos of their damaged sphincters. "Fuck yeah I posted a photo of me spreading my asscheeks," said an anonymous senior. "I want those bastards in Cox to see what four years of one-ply can do to a perfectly good cornhole. That shit is beyond repair," he added.
   
        Many Oberlin students have opted out of wiping entirely. "There's just no reason for me to wipe my ass if it's going to get torn up. I'd rather walk around with poop in my pants all day than bleed out on my American Apparel 100% cotton underwear. I got it in New York this summer when I was doing an internship at this gallery. It was pretty cool, I met a lot of awesome people and made good connections. It's all about networking. That's how you get ahead," said Oberlin Senior Cooper Rogers.

      Students in Kahn, the new first-year "door", are lucky enough to have bidets installed in all of their bathrooms. "If I'm shitting on campus, I'm shitting in my dorm," said Kahn resident Eva Klein. The integration of bidets into Kahn has infuriated many upperclassmen and has served as the motivation for the protests around campus. "Those little fuckers think they can wash their assholes in the comfort of their new LEED Certified dorm without me making a stink? I think not. I'll use baby wipes before I use that one-ply shit," said a third-year who only referred to himself as D'Greezy.

       A student group going by the name of "Save our Sphincters" has planned a rally in Wilder Bowl this Friday, October 15th during T.G.I.F. weather permitting. The Raisin was unsuccessful in contacting ResEd Staff to conduct interviews for this article.
    

Commons-Bizhub Infected with Stuxnet Virus

Oberlin, OH

      According to documents obtained by The Raisin the printing system known as Commons-Bizhub located in Mudd Library has been infiltrated by the malicious Stuxnet virus. Though the origins of the Stuxnet virus are currently unknown it has left a wake of destruction as it has traveled around the world. Developed to target "critical information infrastructure" it is reported that Stuxnet has caused damage to nuclear reactors located in Iran among other high-profile systems around the world.

      The degree of severity of the damage sustained by Commons-Bizhub is not known at this moment. It has been made public that Stuxnet is responsible for the automatic duplexing of all documents printed within Mudd Library. It is likely that Stuxnet is also responsible for the perpetual errors plaguing the Pharos® printing software used in the library.

       CIT is reportedly working on the problem.

Door in Mudd "Usually Locked"

Oberlin, OH-

       According to information acquired by Raisin staff, a door located within Mudd Library which is "usually locked." While other doors in the library are always locked, sometimes locked, usually unlocked or always unlocked, this door is different and bears a label which makes note of this difference. "The importance of the status of the lock on this particular door is great and cannot be overlooked. That's why we have a sign about it," said Director of Libraries Ray English. When asked to elaborate Mr. English simply pointed at the sign, pushed on the door to prove that it was indeed locked and walked away shaking his head.

Azariah's to Stop Accepting All Forms of Payment

Oberlin, OH-

       According to the managers of Azariah's, located on the first floor of Mudd Library, the café will soon cease to accept all forms of payment. The decision was made to make it more difficult to use the facility, a direction Oberlin College is taking with all of its dining facilities. The managers of Azariah's decided that they would phase out ObieDollars as an accepted payment because it "made sense."

       When asked about the changes being made to Azariah's Director of Dining Michele Gross said the follwing: "Azariah's didn't accept cash, checks, credit card, or flex points. We didn't think it was appropriate to continue accepting ObieDollars as a form of payment. We're just trying to make it as difficult as possible for students to buy a $1.19 cup of coffee."

       This change comes a year after DeCafé announced a drastic reduction in its operating hours. Other changes made by CDS with the aim of inconveniencing students who pay $50,000 to attend Oberlin include removing the option to use a guest meal and checking carry-out boxes as students leave Dascomb Dining hall. The Raisin has learned that CDS will be rolling out more measures to decrease accessibility to campus dining facilities in the near future. Stay posted for updates.

Noah Simon's Entire Wardrobe Acquired at the Free Store

Oberlin, OH-

       The Raisin has learned that all of the clothing in the wardrobe Oberlin Student Noah Simon's wardrobe was found at the Free Store, which is located beneath Asia House. This became apparent when multiple Oberlin students began noticing that Simon was wearing clothing that formerly belonged to them. "I guess that's what the Free Store is for but honestly it's a little off-putting to see Noah Simon walking around in my old clothes. He isn't normal. I don't want him wearing my clothes," said Sophomore Joey Lubitz. "The strangest part to me is the fact that I'm a first year. I just donated some old stuff last week. The night after I brought them in I saw that Noah Simon was wearing a pair of my pants. I know they were my pants. I'm positive," added Joey.

        Until recently Noah Simon's reputation around campus was built on mystique and eccentricity, much of which came from his clothing choices. Now that the origin of his wardrobe has been revealed it is likely that his reputation as a mysterious and enigmatic character will diminish significantly. Attempts by the Raisin to contact Noah Simon for an interview were not successful. 

"Chamce Rockaway" Exists Only on the Internet

Oberlin, OH-

      Based on data provided by the Facebook Corporation and Oberlin College the Raisin has determined that the student "Chamce Rockaway" exists only on the internet. After weeks of careful research and information processing it has become clear that no student by the name of Chamce Rockaway attends Oberlin College. While commonly known by this name, Chamce has also gone by the name of "Chase Stone" and multiple other aliases.

      After receiving many queries from members of the Oberlin Class of 2014 Raisin staff began an investigation into the existence of Chase Stone/Chamce Rockaway and recently came to the conclusion that this digital person was a product of other Oberlin Students determined to download information from the Facebook profiles of other Oberlin students by "friending" them as Chase/Chamce.

     Any additional queries regarding the reality of Chamce Rockaway/ Chase Stone should be directed to oberlinraisin@gmail.com.

Oberlin College to Accept Ploids® as Alternative Meal Payment

Oberlin, OH-

       In a surprise announcement the Office of Residential Education released a statement today that Central Dining Services would begin to accept Ploids® as payment for Board Meals. The announcement came as a surprise to many but ResEd was ready to justify their decision. "We're aware of the amount of Ploids that students have been collecting due to increased consumption of Cheetos®, Doritos® and other Frito-Lay® Products," said Molly Tyson, the head of Residential Education in an interview conducted by The Raisin.

       Tyson also added that "It is the aim of Oberlin College to accommodate students with differing eating preferences such as Vegetarians, Vegans, students subscribing to Kosher dining rules, Ploid® collectors and more. "

Ploids® will be accepted at Stevenson Dining Hall, Dascomb Dining Hall, The Rathskellar and DeCafe beginning Monday, September 20.

For more information on Planet Lunch/Ploids, direct your web browser to the Ploids® web portal here.

Commons_ALPHA defeats Commons_OMEGA

Oberlin, OH-

       In what has surely been one of the most interesting and long-lasting rivalries at Oberlin College, Commons_ALPHA finally defeated primary enemy Commons_OMEGA on Wednesday, May 19th during the evening printing rush of finals week. In addition to handling a greater volume of jobs Commons_ALPHA consistently printed in higher quality and DPI since both printers were installed in early 2002.
       While ALPHA was generally considered to have the upper hand, not all had left OMEGA for dead. "I really thought OMEGA had a chance," said sophomore Julie Darwing as she wept into her palms. "Poor OMEGA," she added as she sobbed uncontrollably.
        A memorial service for Commons_OMEGA will be held beneath the Mudd ramp and will be followed by a forum on printer inequality titled "Printing in the 21st Century: Ink, Lies and DPI: A Hierarchy of Digital Hatred: The Barren Landscape of Industrial Printers & The Bleak Future the Lies Ahead."

GIRL GETS SHORT HAIRCUT

oberlin, oh


today a girl who used to be a long hair girl got all the hairs on her head trimmed and now is a short hair girl. the IRONY IS OVERHWLEMING! the fashion is so common but the material for the article is too much not too!

the online blog decides to write an article for the haircut because it can make all the students laugh!because it is common grounds! because everyone knows their friend who did it!!!!!!!!1

okay so twe're all in on the joke together about the short haircut! and we hope you enjoy the article!!

FRIDAY NIGHT.

SO IT GOES LIKE THIS:

THIS PARTY IS GREAT! GOD WE HAVE FUN. WE'VE RUN OUT OF BEER BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK TO HAVE FUN AND PLUS MIKE'S COLLECTING MONEY FOR A RUN TO JOHNNY'S AND HE'S GOT LIKE 6 BUCKS ALREADY.

I ASK WHAT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK IS BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU "LOVE JOAN DIDION" BECAUSE I FACEBOOK STALKED YOU BEFORE I MASTURBATED LAST WEDNESDAY NIGHT. NOT THAT THE MASTURBATION WAS IN ANY WAY LINKED TO YOUR FACEBOOK. I MEAN. IT JUST HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP. SORRY. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT I LOOKED AT YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE THEN I MASTURBATED. THEN I FELL ASLEEP. THREE SEPARATE EVENTS.
SO.

GOD THIS LIGHTING IS AWESOME. THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME I WENT TO PIER 1 IMPORTS AND BOUGHT THIS EXOTIC LIGHTING KIT? IT WAS $19.99 BUT THE CORNER PACKAGING WAS TORN SO I GOT A THREE-DOLLAR-FIFTY DISCOUNT. THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER JUST LOOKED AT ME LIKE "WHAT THE BUTT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THREE-DOLLAR-AND-FIFTY" AND I WAS LIKE "F*** U B**** I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" IT WAS SO FUNNY.

HEY! REMEMBER THAT SONG FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL? I WOULD RUB MY JEANS ON YOUR JEANS? LET'S PLAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE I BET IT SOUNDS JUST AS GOOD!



WHAT CLASSES ARE YOU TAKING THIS SEMESTER?
OH.
WHAT ABOUT NEXT SEMESTER.

LOOK AT THESE PPL. THEY ARE HAVING SUCH GREAT TIME. HER FAVORITE AUTHOR IS JANE AUSTEN. PREDICTABLE, I KNOW. I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE I EVEN FRIENDED HER ON FACEBOOK.
TONIGHT THESE TWO WILL GO HOME AND RUB EACH OTHER'S JEANS. I JUST KNOW THESE THINGS.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M TIRED TOO. I'M SOOOO BUSY TOMORROW. I'VE GOTTA WRITE THIS PAPER FOR THIS CLASS.

LOOK! SOME1 DREW BOOBS ON THE WINDOW! THIS ONE TIME ME AND MY BROS FROM WORK SPRAY PAINTED THIS DICK ON A DUMPSTER OUT BACK. IT WAS HUGE, MAN. LIKE SEVEN FEET LONG PROBABLY. IT WAS SO FUNNY.

YOU'RE TIRED TOO? YEAH. I'VE GOT THIS PAPER TO WRITE. YEAH IT IS PRETTY COOL. ALRIGHT I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BY THE WAY, WHAT'S-YOUR-MAJOR-WHAT-ARE-YOU-DOING-THIS-SUMMER-THAT'S-SO-COOL-YEAH-I'M-INTERNING-AT--

OH NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'M TIRED TOO.

SEE YOU LATER.

- RZNCRNTZ.

NEW SUN CHIPS BAG: THE ALTMODERN POTATO CHIP?

(OBERLIN, OH) -- 05/10/10

HELLO DID YOU KNOW THE NEW SUN CHIPS BAGS ARE 100% COMPOSTABLE.
DOES THAT MEAN THAT WE STILL HAVE TO THROW THEM AWAY?
HELP.

WHAT IF IN THE FUTURE WHEN ARCHAEOLOGISTS LOOK BACK THEY THINK THAT SUN CHIPS WENT BANKRUPT CIRCA 2010 BECAUSE ALL THE FOSSIL EVIDENCE HAS BEEN COMPOSTED. I'M TALKING IN TERMS OF GEOLOGICAL RECORD HERE, FOLKS.

I AM REALLY HAPPY WITH NEW ECO ADVERTISING AND DISCOUNT ENVIRONMENT (GO GREENS/SAVE MORE COAL/INCREASE LUXURY CRUISE LINER TAX) AND I MEAN I GUESS IT'S KINDA COOL THAT THEY DISAPPEAR ONCE YOU THROW THEM ON THE GROUND BUT PERSONALLY I THINK THAT THE NEW BAGS ARE REALLY LOUD. LIKE REALLY REALLY LOUD. HOW CAN I EAT IN LIBRARY WITHOUT LIBERTARIANS TELLING ME TO SHHH?

I DON'T KNOW. CALL ME RADICAL. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NEW SUN CHIPS BAGS 100% COMPOSTABLE?


SINCERE,
RAISNCRNTZZZ.

you forgot to call your mom today.

when you're talking to her you won't be able to stop thinking about this ugly lady

and you might even start laughing about her big front tooth!













happy mom's day

Grape Comment Sections a Lively Forum for Spirited Debate

Oberlin, OH

       On the Grape's flashy and frequently-updated new website the comment boards have proven to be an invaluable tool for spirited and healthy debate among students who just want to discuss the news. Some of the threads have been such huge catalysts that they have received over 9,000 comments.
      A recent article posted in December of 2009 about Lady Gaga has received 1455 comments at the time this article went to press. Carrying on the legacy of Oberlin students to be loquacious and substantive at the same time, the commenters on this post had quite a bit to say. Below are excerpts from the comments left on this article:

While the comments appear to be spam from an overaggressive robot, Grape staff aggressively refute these claims. They suggest that "Oberlin kids are just too quirky for their own good. Their intellect has lead them to comment nonsensical hyperlinks thousands of times on our blog. That's just what the Grape does to you."

To check out the comments on the Grape's new and anything-but-defunct website, click here and give 'er a scroll.

TECHNOLOGY

Here at the Raisin, we're concerned with how much young people are using technology. You are looking at this screen right now, you have been looking at it for a long time and you are going to look at it for a long time after this. Those are the cold, hard fax.


You should consider decreasing the amount of time you spend looking at screens.


If you are considering this send an email to the following address:


www.littledad.com@gmail.com


In this email include your OCMR and a passion of yours. Within a day or two you will find a postcard that attempts to interpret your passion and re-create it in the form of a drawing.


Also feel free to leave an anonymous comment with your OCMR below this sequence of words and punctuation. 


If you enjoy the postcard you receive you will be given the opportunity to request another one (and even to send one to us).


Sending and receiving can be a fun way to reduce the amount of time you spend looking at screens and can be a great way to communicate with friends, celebrities, corporations and webmasters.

We hope you have understood the above text and are willing to take the eQuest that lies ahead.

Do this quickly- it won't be long until we are no longer in this place.

thefutureisnow

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THREE CLOWNS WANT US TO KEEP POSTING

Readership:

Oberlin, OH-

Are you people still reading this?

If you are, write a comment below. The thing is, we just don't know who is reading this. Maybe it's Ehrai Adams, Molly Tyson, Linda Gates and Caroline Jackson Smith. Maybe it's the Jazz Faculty, the Theater Department or perhaps even Ray A. English and Reading Girl 


















Perhaps it is students who are concerned with the ongoing Israel-Palestine Conflict.










ObieGame Clues??? LOok NO FURTHER!




Write a comment 


cometnet


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perhaps it is us, refreshing our pages over and over to bolster the hit counter (an artifact from web 1.0)

Stevie Wonder's Special Guest Revealed: THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!

Oberlin, OH-

       THe RaiSIN® has learned that Stevie Wonder will be performing Saturday night with special guest "The Village People." They will be performing such hits as "In the Navy," "Macho Man" and their smash single "YMCA."

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LITTLE DAD

ResEd to Turn Dascomb Into Senior Housing (But Actually)

Oberlin, OH-

        While Oberlin College's Office of Residential Education has made bad decisions before, this may very well be their worst. ResEd recently disclosed a plan to renovate Dascomb Residence & Dining hall during the 2010-2011 school year in order to convert the facility into living space for Oberlin College seniors. "We just want the students to be as unhappy as possible," Resed staff were quoted as saying. "These poor bastards have worked their asses off for three years and will have paid us $50,000 every year to do so. We just thought it would be funny to make them live in Dascomb for their final year," they added.

        Instead of making deep tuition cuts and embracing Oberlin's progressive stance by increasing off-campus housing options, the College decided to make the awful decision of spending millions of dollars to renovate the shithole that is Dascomb. College Sophomore Dean Falgar was quoted as saying "I didn't get to live in Dascomb freshman year and I was pretty bummed. It seemed like a lot of really cool networking went on there. Hopefully I'll be able to make up for that my senior year by living in my dream dorm- Dascomb." Sarcasm was noticeable in Falgar's voice.

         To congratulate ResEd on their decision, feel free to contact via phone. The telephone numbers of staff members are located on this page: http://www.oberlin.edu/resed/staff/office.html

Thanks again, ResEd!

This article is not a joke.

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