Combination of CDS Food and One-Ply Toilet Paper Continues to Ravage Student Sphincters

Oberlin, OH

       Suffering on behalf of the environment comes naturally to many Oberlin students. Lately, however, some say the suffering has become unbearable. Students have protested the College's decision to stock campus bathrooms with one-ply toilet paper in a smattering of recent on-campus protests. Signs with phrases such as "Not a Jock but I still Got 'Roid Rage," "I EAT IT, I USE IT, I BLEED IT," and "RAW FOOD NOT RAW ASSHOLES" have been making the rounds on the protest circuit.
    
        The problem has become so extensive that students have attempted to draw the administration's attention to the issue with a new Tumblr account titled "ObieRoids," a forum for students to upload photos of their damaged sphincters. "Fuck yeah I posted a photo of me spreading my asscheeks," said an anonymous senior. "I want those bastards in Cox to see what four years of one-ply can do to a perfectly good cornhole. That shit is beyond repair," he added.
   
        Many Oberlin students have opted out of wiping entirely. "There's just no reason for me to wipe my ass if it's going to get torn up. I'd rather walk around with poop in my pants all day than bleed out on my American Apparel 100% cotton underwear. I got it in New York this summer when I was doing an internship at this gallery. It was pretty cool, I met a lot of awesome people and made good connections. It's all about networking. That's how you get ahead," said Oberlin Senior Cooper Rogers.

      Students in Kahn, the new first-year "door", are lucky enough to have bidets installed in all of their bathrooms. "If I'm shitting on campus, I'm shitting in my dorm," said Kahn resident Eva Klein. The integration of bidets into Kahn has infuriated many upperclassmen and has served as the motivation for the protests around campus. "Those little fuckers think they can wash their assholes in the comfort of their new LEED Certified dorm without me making a stink? I think not. I'll use baby wipes before I use that one-ply shit," said a third-year who only referred to himself as D'Greezy.

       A student group going by the name of "Save our Sphincters" has planned a rally in Wilder Bowl this Friday, October 15th during T.G.I.F. weather permitting. The Raisin was unsuccessful in contacting ResEd Staff to conduct interviews for this article.